Monday, December 27, 2010

New Year 2011

It's that time of the year again: time to look over my prior year's goals and see how I did, and set new goals for the new year.

Okay here are last year's goals:
  1. Make a new budget, including debt reduction and retirement and household stuff (and stick to it, of course) 
  2. Remove everything from the house that isn't mine or doesn't fit my new life and goals, and make room for DF and his things/life/goals but without sacrificing me and mine. 
  3. Continue to make my home (soon to be our home, I hope) into a place of peace and joy that is as pleasant to me as a day in a resort. 
  4. Continue to find and practice hobbies and interests that bring me fulfillment and pride. 
  5. Make time every month for family and friends 
  6. Take some time - maybe every day - to consciously relax and let things go.  
  7. Schedule things more carefully so that I'm not as rushed and my time doesn't feel as limited.
And how did I do?
  1. Budget: fail.  Seriously fail.  I don't even know what the budget is anymore, let alone how far off I might be.  I haven't been spending wildly, and I'm making progress (slowly) on the debt reduction, but that isn't the same as making and following a budget.
  2. Clear out the crap: fail.  I spent a couple of hours getting rid of stuff, and that's all I've done.  This has got to get done!
  3. Home as a resort: I actually made a little progress here.  Mostly by buying a (used) jacuzzi for the back patio.  And I've kept the bathroom fairly well decluttered.  And the diningroom stays perfect because I never use it.  The rest of the house has slid slowly into clutter and chaos.  Not terrible, but bad enough to embarrass me.
  4. Hobbies: SUCCESS!  I learned about aquaponics, built a small system, and just completed my large system.  I feel a ton of pride and fulfullment here so this is a complete success to me.
  5. Family and friends: So so.  Not as much time as I should have, but I do talk to my parents every week, and I take time to visit friends now and then.  And I keep up with them on Facebook.  All in all, not too bad.  If I'd done more, I'd run into problems with goal 7.
  6. Relax every day: SUCCESS!  Thanks to the jacuzzi, which I get into nearly every evening, I am actually taking time to unwind regularly.  And it's wonderful.
  7. Don't overschedule: SUCCESS!  I even refused all Christmas and New Year invitations so I'd have the time to myself that I need.  Not that I got as much done in that time as I'd planned, but it was MY time.  And boy do I need that.
Okay, time for the new goals for the year:
  1. Budget.  Time to get back on the wagon here.  If I don't have a concrete goal there's no way to hit it.  Time to break out the YNAB again.
  2. Declutter.  For this I think I need to set some simple, achievable goals.  I can do this.  And hopefully DF will have moved in by the end of the year, so I *really* need to get it done before that.
  3. Get the divorce finalized.  I was hoping that with xDH wanting to file BK and not having a day job or anything to tie up all his time, that he'd actually set us the appointment to get this done.  But evidently not.  I'll just have to figure out how to take time off work and do it myself.  A good reminder in itself of why it's getting done.
  4. Aquaponics.  Now that I've got the system built out there, it's time to make it work for me.  By the end of the year I want to be growing at least 50% of the veggies I eat.  Oh, and I have to figure out how to handle the fish also.
  5. Housekeeping.  I let this one slide too far this year.  Time to get back on my schedule.
  6. Goals.  Clearly it's not enough to *have* them, I need to be reviewing them.  I'll set up a monthly goal review, and use that time to set mini-goals for the following month so that I stay on track.  With my new Smart Phone, this will be easier to do.
Okay, time to get on it!  It's still a few days from the first of the year, and I want to have all of my systems in place when it gets here so that I'm not starting off already behind.

Happy New Year!

Monday, April 26, 2010

90-day challenge - April 23 progress to date

90-day challenge - April 23 progress to date
  • Improve poker game to be profitable 2 limits higher than I currently am
    • Starting point
      • Playing .50/1.00
      • BR = $639
    • 4/11/2010 status
      • Playing .50/1.00
      • BR = $632
    •  4/23/2010 status
      • Playing .50/1.00
      • BR = $632
      • I had a few bad sessions, but that's just going to happen sometimes.  I'm definitely not going to make my monetary goals at this rate, but I think my game is improving again so I'm not going to freak out about it.  We'll look again in a few weeks.
  • Complete 2 more CLEPs I don't need to study for, 1 I need a little study for
    • 4/2/2010 status
      • Test #1 scheduled
      • Test #3 study material located and tutor found
    • 4/11/2010 status
      • Nothing new
    • 4/23/2010 status
      • Took the Analyzing and Interpreting Literature CLEP and got 77 of 80
      • I'm about to go on vacation, but when I'm back I'll schedule the second test and start studying for the third.  My BFF is finishing up her math classes and has offered to loan me some of her materials and help me if I have questions, plus my neighbor is a math teacher.  So I think I'm set there.
  • Completely clear enclosed patio of EVERYTHING that doesn't belong there
    • 4/11/2010 status
      • Scheduled friend to install accordion doors
    • 4/23/2010 status
      • Accordion doors and office plantation blinds installed yesterday.  Now that I *can* get into the closet to put away various office stuff, I will start getting that done.  Yeah, I didn't get very far on anything else I could have been doing.

I am nearly a month behind on two of the three areas I wanted to work on.  The first area (poker) I think I'm doing what I need to do and just need to hang in there.  The second area (schooling) I'm right on track.  The third area I've really slipped.  But the doors are on, the rain has stopped, the freezers are packed with food, and I'm about to have a week of refreshing, relaxing, rejuvenating vacation.  So I'm hoping to be fired up and kicking ass after that.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

90-day challenge - April 11 progress to date

90-day challenge - April 11 progress to date
  • Improve poker game to be profitable 2 limits higher than I currently am
    • Starting point
      • Playing .50/1.00
      • BR = $638.93
    • 4/11/2010 status
      • Playing .50/1.00
      • BR = $631.83
      • I've played, I've studied, I've discussed... and I'm down $7.  Which is GREAT when I consider how far down I was at one point this week.  lol
  • Complete 2 more CLEPs I don't need to study for, 1 I need a little study for
    • 4/2/2010 status
      • Test #1 scheduled
      • Test #3 study material located and tutor found
    • 4/11/2010 status
      • Nothing new
  • Completely clear enclosed patio of EVERYTHING that doesn't belong there
    • 4/11/2010 status
      • Scheduled friend to install accordion doors
While I did get a lot done this week, I didn't do much on these goals.

Friday, April 2, 2010

90-day challenge - April 2 progress to date

  • Improve poker game to be profitable 2 limits higher than I currently am
    • Starting point
      • Playing .50/1.00
      • BR = $638.93
    • First steps
      • Play 1 hour tonight  - DONE
      • Play 1 hour tomorrow night  - DONE
      • Review 1 hour Friday - DONE Thursday night with dad 
      • Play at least 3 hours Friday - Two complete, one to do later tonight.  +$80 so far from starting point.
  • Complete 2 more CLEPs I don't need to study for, 1 I need a little study for
    • First steps
      • Friday or Saturday morning: schedule tests #1 & #2  - DONE for now.  Scheduled #1 but will wait to schedule #2 until next month.
      • Email neighbor to ask if he'll help study for #3  - DONE
      • Look into links provided by L to see if this subject is covered there the way I need it to be.  - DONE
  • Completely clear enclosed patio of EVERYTHING that doesn't belong there
    • First steps
      • Friday, Saturday, and/or Sunday:
        • Install accordion doors in office closet - FAIL.  I can't do this without more hands and equipment.
        • Contacted another friend whose husband does handyman stuff and whose father (general contractor) owes me a favor or two.  I have high hopes there.
        • Clean bookshelves and put in office closet - STILL TO DO
        • If time permits, tape off garage sections for further stuff distribution.- STILL TO DO
Overall I'd say I got a lot of stuff done and I'm on track to hit at least some of my goals.  Yay!

    Wednesday, March 31, 2010

    The 90 day challenge. Ready, Set...

    Background here: 90-day Challenge

    This starts tomorrow.  Am I ready to hit the ground running?  I think so.  Mostly.

    Immediate plan:
    • Improve poker game to be profitable 2 limits higher than I currently am
      • Starting point
        • Playing .50/1.00
        • BR = $638.93
      • Assessment
        • I'm playing tolerably well right now AND running well.  Obviously I can't control the second part. 
        • I need to fix some serious leaks in my game
        • I need to put in the time
      • First steps
        • Play 1 hour tonight
        • Play 1 hour tomorrow night
        • Review 1 hour Friday
        • Play at least 3 hours Friday
        • Review 1 hour Sunday
        • Play at least 2 hours Sunday
        • See if I can nail M's foot to the floor for an hour somewhere to get some input
    • Complete 2 more CLEPs I don't need to study for, 1 I need a little study for
      •  Starting point
        •  Zero
      • Assessment
        • Ready to go on test #1 & #2
        • I know teachers who would help with #3
      • First steps
        • Friday or Saturday morning: schedule tests #1 & #2
        • Email neighbor to ask if he'll help study for #3
        • Look into links provided by L to see if this subject is covered there the way I need it to be.
    • Completely clear enclosed patio of EVERYTHING that doesn't belong there
      • Starting point
        • OMG it's a mess out there
        • I've ordered and received accordion doors and plantation blinds for office
      • Assessment
        • I'm probably going to need some help to do some of the installation.  I've contacted and attempted to hire two people who both claim to need money and who both have the time and physical ability and both claim to want to do it.  But neither one has followed through.  And there is such a short list of people I trust to help me.  So this is going to be a problem.  Meanwhile, I'll see if I can muscle through it without even a second pair of hands to hold the stuff for me while I fasten it down.  Grrrr...
      • First steps
        • Friday, Saturday, and/or Sunday:
          • Install accordion doors in office closet
          • Clean bookshelves and put in office closet
          • If time permits, tape off garage sections for further stuff distribution.

    Monday, March 22, 2010

    90 Challenge - Breakdown

    My friend Mark has posted a 90-day challenge on his blog: Mark's 90 day challenge 

     I've got a plan for mine here: The 90 day challenge

    So it's time to break mine down into measurable, achievable steps:
    • Improve poker game to be profitable 2 limits higher than I currently am
      •  Further defined
        • I am currently playing $0.50/$1.00.  
        • In order to achieve my goal I have to move through $1/$2 to $2/$4.
        • Moving up is a function of bankroll, which is a function of profitability.
        • I have decided that I will require 500BB to move up, and 300BB to keep playing (otherwise I will move down).
        • My bankroll is currently around $470 (don't have exact numbers here at work).
        • I require $1,000 to move to $1/$2
        • I require $2,000 to move to $2/$4
      • Step goals:
        • Playing $0.50/$1.00: reach $1,000 by May 1 and move up to $1/$2
        • Playing $1/$2: reach $2,000 by June 15
        • Have 1000 hands of $2/$4 with a net profit (no matter how small) by June 30
    • Complete 2 more CLEPs I don't need to study for, 1 I need a little study for
      •  Further defined
        • This one I modified a bit to fit in with budget constraints.
      • Step goals
        • April
          • Pass the Freshman College Composition CLEP
          • Find appropriate study materials for College Mathematics CLEP
        • May
          • Pass the Analyzing and Interpreting Literature CLEP
          • Read through College Mathematics study materials and be able to pass CLEP sample test
        • June
          • Pass the College Mathematics CLEP
    • Completely clear enclosed patio of EVERYTHING that doesn't belong there
      • Further defined
        • This is is a combination of things that need to go to xDH, things that need to be thrown away, things that need to be donated/given away, things that need to be put away, things that need to be cleaned.  It's a 10' x 20' junk pile right now.
      • Step goals
        • April
          • Weekend 1 (April 3&4)
            • Install accordion doors in office closet
            • Clean bookshelves and put in office closet
          • Weekend 2 (April 10&11)
            • Mark off areas of garage (with blue tape if necessary) for give away, garage storage, xDH, dump.
          • Weekend 3 (April 17&18)
            • Spend 2 hours (broken into sprints) moving things into their appropriate zones in the garage and house
          • Weekend 4 (April 24&25)
            • Spend 2 hours (broken into sprints) moving things into their appropriate zones in the garage and house
        • May
          • Weekends 1 & 2 - Vacation
          • Weekend 3 (May 15&16)
            • Spend 2 hours (broken into sprints) moving things into their appropriate zones in the garage and house
          •  Weekend 4 (May 22&23)
            • Spend 2 hours (broken into sprints) moving things into their appropriate zones in the garage and house - complete all relocating!
          • Weekend 5 (May 29&30)
            • Vacuum, dust, etc. as needed.
        • June
          • Give away all the give away stuff
          • Either get someone to take things to the dump or call 1-800-GOT-JUNK to pick it up
          • Make sure xDH picks up his stuff or drop it off at his GF's or Mom's.
          • Clean patio windows and screens.
          • Find appropriate furniture (do not buy it, just find it) and discuss with DF

    Thursday, March 18, 2010

    Poker & Life: Bad Beats

    For those of you who aren't poker players, I'll define a "bad beat."  A bad beat is when you do everything the right way but you get unlucky and lose anyway.  Like when there are only two cards left in the deck that can beat you, and one of them gets dealt.

    This kind of thing happens pretty regularly.  After all, even if there's only a 1% chance of you losing in this situation, that's still going to happen 1 in every 100 times you're in this situation.  And in poker, when you're playing several hundred hands each time you play, every situation is going to come around eventually.

    A lot of players get really mad about the bad beats.  Most of them blame their opponents for being so stupid as to get lucky and beat them.  I was listening to a series about poker and they were talking about bad beats and I realized that this isn't one of the problems I suffer from.  Yes, I don't like losing when I was ahead.  Heck, I don't like losing when I'm behind either.  Yes, I dislike having put so much money into something *and being right to do so* and then losing it all over something unlikely.  The common reaction seems to be "That's not fair!"  But I realized that isn't my reaction.  And I've been trying to figure out why.

    One of the professionals (Phil Gordon, maybe?) said that most of his losses are to bad beats.  His reasoning is that it's only a bad beat if you started out ahead and then lost to bad luck.  And since he is usually only in a hand when he's ahead, it makes sense that when he loses it's usually because of a bad beat.  If he were in there with bad hands more often, he'd be losing a lot more often in "normal" ways, rather than mostly to bad luck.  That makes perfect sense to me.  So he simply accepts that he can't win every hand, and a lot of the ones he loses will be because he got unlucky.

    I think that the people who think it isn't fair are the ones who don't really understand that the same unlikely loss happens to absolutely everyone who plays. Every single player. It doesn't all happen at the same time, but it does happen to everyone. Isn't that the definition of fair?  I think that's why it doesn't bother me.  It's simply a part of the game that I accept as a recurring random loss.  Bummer when it happens, but totally predictible.  NOT as in "Well I should have *known* I'd lose - it was a big pot and I should just expect to lose those."  Rather as in "That's going to happen every x hands or so, and it's a shame it coincided with this nice pot this time."

    What does this have to do with regular life?

    Because regular life deals out some bad beats also.  Things happen that set us back when we were doing everything right.  Someone rear ends us, or the fridge breaks, or the cat gets sick and the vet bill is big, or we trip and break an arm, or something.  And those are the littler things.  Then there are the really bad ones: serious illness, natural disasters, death, unemployment, etc.  None of them are fair... and yet, statistically speaking they're each going to hit x percent of the population and it's a BIG population.  And, again, I'm not saying I'd be happy about any of the big ones, and I'm never happy about the small ones.  But the anger, the blinding rage, the bitterness, don't change it.  They don't make it go away.  You can't get a re-deal.  All you can do is accept that it was your misfortune to get the bad beat this time, and do your best to play it out from here.

    I don't mean to trivialize anyone's misfortunes.  And this isn't written about anyone except myself.  But I think it's important to find ways to absorb life's sometimes crappy deals without spending all of your future replaying a bad beat and stoking your anger over it.

    I'm usually good at that in poker.  I'm even good at it in life *most* of the time.  Periodically I find myself dwelling on a bad beat and getting worked up about it.  But I'm hoping that by writing this down and thinking it through I'll be better able to remember in the future that it's just a bad beat.  They happen to everyone.  I can't change the way it played out.  I can't go back and undo anything at all.  I can't even necessarily learn what to do differently in the future, since a bad beat by definition means you weren't wrong you were just unlucky.

    In fact, the only thing you CAN do, is not allow the unproductive emotions caused by the bad beat to take away your full concentration and effort from the CURRENT hand.  That one is over.  Play this one the best you can.

    Tuesday, March 16, 2010

    The 90 day challenge

    My friend Mark has posted a 90-day challenge on his blog:
    http://www.markcancellieri.com/blog/2010/03/16/the-90-day-challenge/

    I like the idea, but will be modifying it a bit since I'm not currently suffering for lack of goals.  ;-)

    In 2Q I will:

    1) Improve poker game to be profitable 2 limits higher than I currently am. (BHAG: Be able to support myself on poker income)

    2) Complete 2 more CLEPs I don't need to study for, 1 I need a little study for, and 1 I need a LOT of study for. (BHAG: BA in Psychology)

    3) Completely clear enclosed patio of EVERYTHING. (BHAG: Declutter entire house.)


    Stay tuned for progress reports!

    Wednesday, March 3, 2010

    LBYM - Why? Do I have to? Doesn't it suck?

    Living Below My Means

    I'm getting really tired of hearing people brag about how they'd rather *live* than have to stick to a budget!  They should get to do what they want!  OMG, people, grow up already.  You can't spend more than you make for any length of time.  Basic math should tell you so.  And the longer you do it, the more of your money goes to interest charges instead of living, until even teensy bits of luxury are difficult to afford.  Why are you so broke now?  Because all of your money is paying for your irresponsible spending in the past.  You can't *live* now because you were too eager to *live* before.  So what do you do?  You either make more or spend less.  There just aren't any other choices.

    Right now I'm getting out from under a mountain of debt from my marriage.  Does it suck?  Yes.  I'd much rather have the second income, the housekeeper, the new cars, the restaurant meals, the season tickets to the theater, the weekends at the river, etc.  And it frustrates the hell out of me to be paying twice as much on my house as I bought it for because of absorbing all of the debt from xDH's failed business, plus having the $x in credit card debt.  But the reality is that I'm spending $y each month just on minimum payments on this debt, and once that is paid off I can have that same $y each month to *live* with!  I can use it to blow my nose if I want, and not be living any lower than I do now.  And it's certainly enough money to hire another housekeeper and make a car payment if that's what I want to do with it (which it isn't).

    But meanwhile, I get to buckle down and cope with less fun money so I can pay off that debt.  It's like, if I were a kid, having to clean my room before I go out to play.  Except that it's not a 1 hour task that I can hurry through, I am going to be on it for a couple more years.  But I'm old enough to know that shoving it all under the bed doesn't actually help.  Yeah, I wouldn't see it anymore - but it would still be there waiting for me and getting dirtier and I'd have to drag it all out if I wanted any of it.  Those are MY things under there that I'd have to do without!  And going out to play right away just isn't important enough to do that - I can go play tomorrow.  And once I finally get my room clean?  I'll still have to pick up after myself, and dust and vacuum regularly, but if I do that basic maintenance it won't ever again be the pigsty it is now.

    So - does it suck?  Only a little.  But it's going to be so nice when it's done. And Momma ain't gonna come along and do it for me, so I guess I've got to do it myself.

    And tomorrow I'll be outside playing, when a lot of the other kids are grounded.

    So nyah!

    March goals and goal review

    February goals:
    1. Continue to respect and refine my budget.  Including finding a few little ways to reduce spending a bit more.
    2. Get rid of some of the stuff I've already earmarked for removal.  List it somewhere or something!  Make a plan and do it.  Hire handyman to take care of handyman task list.
    3. Keep up with my daily housekeeping task list.
    4. Continue to make time for school, poker, reading, yarnwork, fun cooking, cultural events, etc. and give each one my all while I'm doing it.
    5. Keep various appointments with family and make some more (ex MIL and ex FIL, Dad's birthday, reschedule oldest-friend (and her birthday), San Diego cousin, Rusty and Helen, others?)
    6. Exercise every day - make sure there's some stretching (especially since I had to stop seeing the chiropractor).  Use this time to refresh my mind and consciously get rid of crap.
    7. Stick to my routines, and add new ones if necessary.  I do have enough time, but only if I use it wisely.  I even have time to watch some TV and play on the computer, if I schedule it.  But fucking off when I'm supposed to be doing something else is a failure in every way; I don't accomplish my tasks AND I don't get the full benefit of relaxing because I feel guilty for not doing what I know I should.  Keeping to routines is respecting my time, and will give me more time for other things since I will get in *proper* relaxing time and won't feel so constantly in need of it.
    8. Set up all the various doctors appointments.

    Progress (scale of 1 - 10):
    1. 8 - I've got my budget pretty well dialed in.  I've done some things to cut back.  I need to cut further plus I'm sliding on a few conveniences - but compensating with other reductions.
    2. 3 - I had Salvation Army come out, but they rejected the couch and recliner... which means they've been sitting *in the rain* ever since.  Of course, if SA didn't want them no one was going to.  But now I've got a heavy couch and recliner to dispose of.  Friend is supposed to pick up the mattress - I'll keep nagging until she does.  Everything else is still where it was.  Blech.
    3. 5 - Mom came out for a day, so I got the whole house clean.  Now I just have to keep it up.
    4. 5 - Time is always an issue.  But I seem to be fitting almost everything in right now.  Sometimes it takes a shoehorn, but it's in there.
    5. 3 - I kept the ones I had, but only made one more.  And yet, my whole month is booked already.
    6. 2 - I slacked off too much in February.
    7. 5 - My routines fell by the wayside a lot.
    8. 5 - Well I've got most of them scheduled.

    March Goals:
    1. Stick to budget.  Dial in new with holdings and allocate extra to debt-reduction.
    2. Get xDH to either do the handyman list or not.  6 months of waiting is too much.  If he says no, find a local guy that I trust to neither steal from me nor hit on me and book him.
    3. Do the housekeeping, damnit
    4. Focus on poker and school.  Other hobbies can wait for now.  Except some fun cooking on weekends.  Use mom's pasta roller, and new ravioli press.
    5. Set ONE family/friend appointment for April.
    6. Exercise 3 mornings a week before work, and 30 minutes on weekend.  Step Aerobics at a minimum.
    7. Stick to schedules
    8. Schedule eye doctor appointment
    9. Take 2 CLEPs, schedule 2 more for April, research study guides for additional 5 subjects.
    10. Get in 3 poker sessions per week, sticking to review-before-play rules.  Give complete focus while playing - emphasizing correct play and note taking, rather than winrate.

    Monday, February 22, 2010

    How selfish am I really?

    Don't I want everyone to have food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over their heads, and an education?  Yes.  Even if they don't/won't/can't work?  Yes.  Certainly.  If unlimited supplies of manna dropped down from heaven and formed itself into instant shelter and clothing (and some remained food, of course) I would definitely want everyone to have some.  As much as they want, in fact.  I would even go so far as to say that if the stuff were free and unlimited, and people were stupid/selfish/whatever enough to try to stockpile it and keep it from those weaker than them, I would be willing to fight to make sure everyone got their share.

    Am I willing to *work* to buy things for people who won't/don't/can't work?  Only the *can't* group.  I'm not all that fond of work myself, that I want to do extra of it just so someone else doesn't have to.

    Someone recently posted that they thought everyone had a RIGHT to clothing, a decent house, food, and an education.  I admit, I don't agree with that.  But let's just say for a moment, just for the sake of argument, that we agreed everyone in our country MUST (not merely *should*) be provided such things.  And let's talk about it in practical terms.  How would it work?

    Would you force everyone to pitch in to build the extra houses?  Would you tear down all the existing houses first and build up all the new ones as identical bare-minimum housing, or would you just create new bare-minimum housing for those who didn't work to "earn" a better house?  And how would you make everyone work to do it?  Everyone isn't willing to work now, how would you make them?  Or would it be purely volunteer?

    Okay, let's say you work that out and everyone has a home.  Now what?  How do you feed everyone?  Manna *doesn't* actually fall from the sky.  Food must be grown, tended, harvested, shipped, distributed, cooked.  Who does these things, and WHY?

    How selfish am I?  I'm so selfish that if I could have a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my back, I probably wouldn't want much else.  Certainly not enough to work for it.  C'mon, 'fess up, how many of you would work 40 hours a week if you could have food and clothing and a home without it?  At the most, I would consider working for a few months and then taking a year off to enjoy the money, then I'd start the process over again.  After all, if I already had food, clothing, and shelter, then a little money would go a loooong way.  Assuming, of course, that I could buy anything for a little money.  There will be a lot fewer people producing things, so with supply lower things might cost a lot more.  On the other hand, there will probably be fewer people with money to buy things, so with demand lower, prices might stay the same.  It's hard to say.  But then, the work I *did* do would have to support me AND whoever wasn't working and also wanted food and clothing.  How many do you suppose that would be?  One working in 10 if we're lucky?  So you'll have to work 10 times as hard to provide yourself the same food and clothing?  Did I mention that I really don't like working?

    There *will* be people who enjoy working, and they'll work really hard no matter what.  Of course, they already *are* working really hard.  But the reality is that most of us, if we didn't *have* to work, would work less than we currently do - by a lot.  So how on earth do you maintain a society where the average production is even LESS than it currently is, and still provide food and clothing and shelter for everybody?

    Of course, if everyone lives on a small enough scale, with little enough luxury, in close proximity, and you can encourage everyone to produce or leave the community, you can do it.  And it certainly has been proven to work that way.  And since I'd be one of the lazy ones, it's probably a good place for me.

    I think I'll try to find one of those communities.  I know they were really popular in the 60's.  What are they called again?  Something to do with how they base everything on the needs of the community...

    Tuesday, February 16, 2010

    Momentum

    I started to title this "Motivation" but I realized that what I truly experience is "Momentum."

    I can be motivated to do things.  But more often, I find that if I force myself to start something I wasn't motivated to do, I can keep going on momentum for a very long time.  And I enjoy the *whatever* while I'm at it, and am proud of what I accomplish.

    Since I had three days this weekend, I *finally* felt like I'd relaxed enough and didn't resent having things cut into my limited "me" time, so I got moving on some tasks.  Just basic housework, laundry, etc.  But it was amazing how easy it was to keep going once I started.  That is, until I sat down for lunch... and since I finished eating before the show was over, I stayed to watch the rest of the show.  And then, well, as long as I'm taking a break I can call Paul.  And next thing I know I've been sitting for more than an hour, and I have *no* interest in getting back to the tasks that I was happily blasting through just a little while earlier.

    I knew that if I got moving again I'd be fine.  It's not like I didn't know that.  I just couldn't make myself *do* it.

    I think I'm going to have to go back to using a timer.  Not merely for doing the tasks (a trick I don't have to resort to as often anymore, but still very effective) but rather for *not* doing tasks.  Thanks to a friend on the message boards, I've started using a timer to limit my computer time at home.  But that particular timer is on my desktop, and doesn't do much for me when I'm goofing off elsewhere.

    But I always have my phone.  And my phone has a built in timer.  So I think... I'm going to have to treat myself like the lazy, spoiled kid I can sometimes be, and set strict limitations on my goofing off time.

    Sigh... This being a grownup stuff isn't nearly as much fun as I thought it was going to be.  ;-)

    Monday, February 8, 2010

    Perfectionism - musings

    Perfectionism.  My need to be perfect, my need to by perceived as perfect, my need to help those around me to be perfect - frequently against their will. 

    I accept flaws in some things.  My cats are so very far from perfect.  They throw up - not the occasional hairball, but an inability to keep their food down - several days a week.  One of them woke me up before the sun today by pouncing on me as hard as he could (actually, more like a full-speed slide into home plate just ahead of the ball) in order to inform me that he'd brought a toy for me to throw for him.  I was also woken up at some pre-dawn time before that when one of them walked over me - I woke up wondering, fuzzily, why there were deer in my bed and why one had stepped on me.  And the cats shed everywhere.  And they yowl.  And occasionally knock things over.  Sometimes they bite or scratch.

    I accept these things with only minor complaint, and even that is usually fairly good-natured.  Why?  I wouldn't accept this behavior from a human.  Particularly not one that I lived with!  Is it only that I accept that the cats can't help it, and that they are merely being cats?  Is there any way I can apply that to the people I know, reminding myself that they are the way they are and can't help it, being merely human?  So far that hasn't worked.  And yet, in a conversation with my cousin last night, I learned that is what she does.  She honestly seems to accept people with all of their flaws, and not (usually) resent them for being who they are.  It is one of the things about her that I most admire.  Obviously I *am* capable of doing it, since I do it with my cats.  How can I learn to do that with people?

    As far as my own perfection, I'm not really all that concerned with being perfect.  I've known myself too long and too well to have any illusions about my living some error-free,  always-motivated, consistently-courteous, ideal life.  But my concern seems to be less about being those things, and more about not allowing others to see that I'm not.  Which is ridiculous, since everyone who knows me knows better already.  And I don't go around claiming otherwise by any means.  And yet, to be SEEN to make a mistake... oh the horror!  The utter humiliation!  Is that hypocritical?  OMG, no, another failure I don't want to see!  Though that's one, at least, that I try to guard against in reality as much as in perception.  In fact, it's not really the big things that I don't want others to know about.  Those are things I do work on, and usually things I think I do fairly well with.  It's the little things, the ability to stick to a routine, to be nice to someone even when they interrupt me, to not show someone when I think they're being a blithering idiot, to keep up with my housekeeping (or even with my dishes), the utter laziness that I so often feel (and so frequently give in to) - it's these little, human foibles that so bother me.  Is it because I know they are completely under my control and should so very easy to fix, and yet I don't?  Why, then, am I so hard on other people for not fixing theirs?  Well, I don't blame them for not conquering the ones I'm still struggling with - I only get annoyed if they struggle with ones I *don't* have a problem with.  How unfair is that?!?

    Maybe if I picture all the people around me as overgrown cats.  LOL  Or something.  Maybe.

    Friday, February 5, 2010

    Friday's Rants: Supply & Demand, and Financing

    Hold onto yer butt, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

    First, let's talk about supply and demand.  What is something worth?  Well, it's worth whatever people are willing to pay for it.  Period.

    You can purchase a Wii console right now, brand new, for $200.  Is it worth $200?  If people were unwilling to pay $200 for it, the price would drop in order to boost sales.  The fact that it's selling like crazy for $200 means that IS what it's worth.  Granted, YOU might not want to spend $200 for one.  It might not be worth it to YOU.  But that IS the actual market value of one.

    We're all totally clear on that, right?

    So what happens if you bought your Wii when it first came out 3 years ago, and you paid $250 for it?  It's now selling for $200.  Did you get screwed?  Did someone lie to you about the value of the Wii?  Can you demand a refund from Nintendo for the difference?  No.  You paid what it was worth, and its worth has changed since then.

    What if you bought it from Best Buy and paid $200 for it, and then saw it at Costco for only $175?  If Best Buy wants to do price matching that's up to them, but they aren't legally required to do so.  You agreed to buy it for $200 and you get to live with that decision.

    What if you brought it home and decided you didn't enjoy it as much as you expected?  Or you were too busy to play with it?  Or you realize you would have been just as happy with an old, used Nintendo 64 you could buy for $20?  Can you tell Best Buy they have to take it back?  They might have a "return for any reason" policy, but they aren't legally required to unless it's broken or misrepresented.

    You're all still following me?

    Okay, let's add a twist to this.  What if you didn't pay cash for it, but bought it on your credit card.  And NOW you decide you don't like it.  Can you refuse to pay back your credit card because you no longer like what you bought?  No, you didn't buy the Wii from your credit card, you bought if from Best Buy.  And Best Buy already has your money.  The credit card simply loaned you some money which you spent however you wanted.  You have to pay back that loan.  They aren't responsible for your lack of enthusiasm about your purchase.

    We're all still on the same page, I hope?  You agreed to a price, you purchased it, and you borrowed the money to make that purchase.  The fact that its market value fluctuates or that its value to YOU fluctuates doesn't change the fact that you bought it at a price you agreed to, or that you took a loan to buy it and now have to repay that loan.

    Now's when things start getting sensitive.

    What if, instead of an unsecured loan you did a secured loan and put up the Wii as collateral?  What if the credit card company could repossess the Wii if you stopped paying the card?  Does that change the fact that you didn't purchase the Wii from them and they aren't in the business of selling Wii's and you borrowed money from them that you promised to repay?  No.  It means they've got some additional legal recourse if you break your promise, but it doesn't mean that if you decide you don't want the Wii anymore you can just stop paying your credit card.  Once again: you didn't buy the Wii from them, you just borrowed money from them to make a purchase that happened to be a Wii.

    Okay, deep breath everyone...

    What if it wasn't a Wii that you purchased?  What if it was something more expensive?  Do the rules change?  No.  You agreed to a price.  That price was somewhere around the current market value.  Market value is based on what everyone else is willing to pay, no matter how stupid they all are.  No matter which review in which magazine talked about how awesome it was and how they would be willing to pay twice the price for the same thing.  Not even if it was Nintendo themselves who said it was so fantastic, and they only said so in order to make more profit!  Yes, not even then!  No one held a gun to your head and made you buy it at that price.

    What if it was a house?  :::insert sound of squealing tires as everyone comes to a sudden halt:::

    I would like to remove the phrase "house payment" from our vocabulary, because it makes us think that we are paying the money to the bank in order to purchase our house.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  You didn't buy your house from the bank, you bought it from Mr. and Mrs. Jones who received the money right away and have already used it to pay off debt or to put into the stock market or blown it all on strippers and roulette.  The mortgage company, like the credit card, didn't sell you the house or the Wii.  They loaned you money so you could buy the house from Mr. and Mrs. Jones.  Your $3,000 mortgage check isn't sent to Mr. and Mrs. Jones every month.  You aren't making payments on your house.  You already bought the house.  You own it.  Just as you own the Wii.  You are making payment on the money you borrowed to make that purchase.

    If at any point you get confused about the difference and think I'm splitting hairs, go back and read the part about purchasing the Wii from Best Buy and borrowing the money from your credit card to do so.

    Yes, it is a secured loan.  The bank can take your house if you stop paying the loan.  That does NOT mean they own the house while you're making payments, or that they are in the real estate business.  It just means that you've put up your house as collateral on a loan, and it so happens that you used that loan to purchase the house.  Or, these days, maybe not.  Maybe you took out equity from your home in order to pay off credit cards - so now you've put up your house as collateral to pay off your Wii!  (Not really, since you completely bought the Wii, just as you bought the house.  But it makes for a fine shock-point, doesn't it?)  If you took a loan on the equity of your house AFTER buying it, then that loan wasn't to pay off the house, it was a loan to do whatever you wanted - and your house was collateral for the loan, right?  But the original mortgage you use to buy the house is exactly the same thing.  You're not buying a house for 30 years, you're taking a loan, using that loan to buy the house, and using the house as collateral.

    Hopefully I haven't lost anyone.

    Why am I making such a point of this?  Because I think, from what I keep hearing people say, that a lot of people have honestly started to believe that the bank owns their house and that they're buying their house from the bank on payments every month, and that if the market goes down and the value of their house drops they shouldn't have to pay so much to the bank for the house that isn't worth as much anymore.

    I have no doubt that someone will want to make comments about evil banks and evil mortgage companies and evil credit cards and evil real estate markets, and evil economy, and evil unemployment rates.  And many of those things may very well be true.

    But NONE of it changes the fact that you agreed to a price, based on market value, and that you paid that price ALREADY to Mr. and Mrs. Jones.  If you think they screwed you on price, you're welcome to track them down and demand some of the money back (good luck with that).  But you've already paid them, and borrowed money to do so.  The responsibility to repay that loan is yours.

    Don't bother commenting please.  It will probably become ugly and I'm not interested in that.  Feel free to disagree all you want, but not right here and not right now, okay?

    Happy Friday, all.

    Tuesday, February 2, 2010

    February goals and goal review

    It's the beginning of the month - a good time to review my progress and set/revise/surrender goals.

    So let's start by looking at my New Year's resolutions:

    1. Make a new budget, including debt reduction and retirement and household stuff (and stick to it, of course)
    2. Remove everything from the house that isn't mine or doesn't fit my new life and goals, and make room for Paul and his things/life/goals but without sacrificing me and mine.
    3. Continue to make my home (soon to be our home, I hope) into a place of peace and joy that is as pleasant to me as a day in a resort.
    4. Continue to find and practice hobbies and interests that bring me fulfillment and pride.
    5. Make time every month for family and friends
    6. Take some time - maybe every day - to consciously relax and let things go.  
    7. Schedule things more carefully so that I'm not as rushed and my time doesn't feel as limited. 
     Progress - scoring on scale of 1 to 10:
    1. Score: 9.  I'm doing really well here.  I've set up a budget and I review it every time there is any spending.  I'm still adjusting my budget as I gain more information, but I'm getting it dialed in pretty well.  And I'm cutting back on unnecessary spending again, as I should.  I'm not yet reducing my spending in areas like utilities - that'll come after some of the other changes.  But I feel I'm on the right path and headed in the right direction.
    2. Score: 1.  Only because there isn't a zero.  I'm completely failing here.
    3. Score: 3.  I'm cleaning up again, but still fairly stalled out in this area.  Once I get goal #2 going again, I'll probably be able to focus on #3.  Can't work on the new while I'm buried in the old.
    4. Score: 7.  I'm not doing as much "adventurous" cooking yet, but that's partly a function of time, budget, and practicality (making a gourmet meal for one just wastes a lot of food and isn't as much fun).  But I *am* trying new recipes sometimes.  I've also decided to get a degree which, since it isn't strictly a necessity, I think counts as "hobbies and interests that bring me fulfillment and pride."  And I'll be getting back into poker again more seriously.
    5. Score: 6.  I did make a commitment to get together with my oldest (longest?) friend every 6 weeks or so for lunch and a movie... but the very first weekend we were going to do it fell apart.  I was on call (a rare occurrence and unavoidable) for a corporate emergency, and she decided to take her son out of town for his birthday.  I got together with my second longest friend for our annual Jane Austen dance.  I made plans to have my mother out to see the house and to take her to dinner for her birthday.  I made plans to see my ex-sister-in-law and another friend for Valentine's Day.  I have tried to visit my aunt, and now will be spending Superbowl Sunday with my cousin (her daughter) - though I can't get credit for planning this one, it planned itself (but I'm excited about it) and I'll see my grandparents while I'm down there.
    6. Score: 5.  I *am* taking time for myself most days and getting in some exercise, but I haven't focused on consciously de-stressing during this time.
    7. Score: 3.  Now that I'm planning so many activities, I feel *more* overscheduled instead of less.  But I'm giving myself permission to fail on some things, which gives me some time back but in exchange for guilt and a chaotic environment.  I need my routines and schedules so that I'm making steady progress on all the things I need to do; nothing else will give me the feeling of peace and guilt-free relaxation during my downtime.

    Last night someone started the subject of February goals, and I tossed mine out there on the fly.  I didn't review my prior goals until just now, so I think it was a mistake for me to make new ones before doing that.  But here's what I had written:

    1. Work out at least *some* every day, even if it's only 5 minutes. 30 is better, but do *some* every day.
    2. Do my &^%$ing daily tasks. Or else!
    3. Keep up with the healthy, homecooked meals - NO fast food or restaurants (except for someone else's special occasion that THEY choose to go out to eat). (I did great in January - yay!)
    4. Stay within my budget - and work on some little ways to tighten up there also.
    5. Stay on top of the little stuff, like cleaning up after a meal and putting away my clothes when I change.
    6. Schedule all of my health appointments.
    7. Make progress on school-stuff, side-job stuff, house stuff 

    Hmmm - I see the beginning of a trend of 7 items.  Coincidence, or some subconscious idea of what the "right" length of a goals list ought to be?  lol.

    Looking at my two lists, I think I did a good job with making February goals.  They are mostly a refinement of my New Year's goals - modified as I dial in to various areas.  I'm glad I didn't start a whole new list of stuff.  But I think it's best if I really consolidate the two lists properly.

    Okay, here goes:
    1. Continue to respect and refine my budget.  Including finding a few little ways to reduce spending a bit more.
    2. Get rid of some of the stuff I've already earmarked for removal.  List it somewhere or something!  Make a plan and do it.  Hire handyman to take care of handyman task list.
    3. Keep up with my daily housekeeping task list.
    4. Continue to make time for school, poker, reading, yarnwork, fun cooking, cultural events, etc. and give each one my all while I'm doing it.
    5. Keep various appointments with family and make some more (ex MIL and ex FIL, Dad's birthday, reschedule oldest-friend (and her birthday), San Diego cousin, Rusty and Helen, others?)
    6. Exercise every day - make sure there's some stretching (especially since I had to stop seeing the chiropractor).  Use this time to refresh my mind and consciously get rid of crap.
    7. Stick to my routines, and add new ones if necessary.  I do have enough time, but only if I use it wisely.  I even have time to watch some TV and play on the computer, if I schedule it.  But fucking off when I'm supposed to be doing something else is a failure in every way; I don't accomplish my tasks AND I don't get the full benefit of relaxing because I feel guilty for not doing what I know I should.  Keeping to routines is respecting my time, and will give me more time for other things since I will get in *proper* relaxing time and won't feel so constantly in need of it.
    8. Set up all the various doctors appointments.

    Monday, January 18, 2010

    One of the reasons I love Paul :-)

    So I confess to him that I'm now hooked on a really awful show.  I admit that it's hokey, overdone, ridiculous... and I find it entertaining and touching.  I ask him to watch the pilot with me (online).

    He:
    1. Agrees to do so and clears the time
    2. Follows through and watches the whole thing at the scheduled time
    3. Agrees that it's hokey, overdone, ridiculous, entertaining and touching
    4. Admits that he can't wait to watch more of it with me

    Yes, I already know he's my best friend.  But that little reminder of it made me smile!

    Saturday, January 2, 2010

    What if I died tomorrow?

    That seems to be the popular question when someone says they're putting off something they want.  And it was certainly a good enough reason for me to eat ice cream before dinner tonight.  Hey, who am I do buck popular wisdom?
    But, okay, let's look at it.  What if I died tomorrow without eating that ice cream or whatever.

    If there's no afterlife, I'm not going to care much about the ice cream or anything else.

    If there's a heaven, and I end up there, do I really think that I'm going to be stressing out over the ice cream?  I mean, if heaven can't offer something better than ice cream I don't see any point in going.

    If I end up in hell, I'm thinking I'll have other things to worry about than that ice cream.

    If there's some form of reincarnation, I'll have some when I come back again.  I'll make a point of it.

    I mean it *sounds* like a good question, but once you actually think it through it doesn't make much sense.  Unless you start talking about what those you leave behind are going to think and do if you disappear...

    I mean, if I died tomorrow someone is going to find that pile of mending in the bottom of my laundry basket that's been there since I was several sizes smaller.  Stuff I'm never going to be able to wear again.  But what do I do with it?  I can't donate it until I mend it, and if I wasn't willing to mend it so *I* could wear it, do I really expect to mend it for someone else?  And it's little stuff: a missing button, a broken belt loop... heck, I think one of those things is just waiting to be ironed.  Things that only take a moment.  But I don't ever seem to have a moment.  Yeah, I've got time to sit here and muse, and time to play with the Wii, and I've had time for a marriage and a divorce and an engagement and stuff like that.  But I swear I haven't had 5 minutes to sew that button on!  And if I die, someone else is going to be faced with that same stupid question about those same stupid clothes. *That* is a concern to keep me awake at night!

    So, okay, now I'm back to the original question.  What if I died tomorrow?  And somehow the question seems more worth answering now.

    So I have an answer.  I'm going to go have more ice cream.